Years ago when I was a naïve little optimist who thought I could get any writing job I wanted simply by showing up, I had a fleeting fantasy about being an advice columnist. You know, the “Dear Abby” type: “Dear Writer, help me, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up, signed, Down and Out from Boise.” I thought this would be an easy transition for me. I was studying Journalism, had a way with words, was good with people, and obviously because I had no life experience whatsoever, I was the perfect person to dole out advice to anyone and everyone. It turns out it takes a little more than that. You need the Journalism and the way with words, and to be good with people. But….you need years of experience climbing that corporate ladder. On top of that, you have to be an “expert” at something.
Which is why the term “Relationship Expert” makes me titter like a schoolgirl. Is anyone really a relationship expert? What qualifies you for that, an advanced degree? Age? Years of dating? And truthfully, aren’t all relationships a little different? This isn’t like the rattling sound when you drive a car. Sure, maybe relationships tend to follow a pattern and there’s certain blanket advice you can give someone. But does that make you an expert? Do you need an advanced degree to say “There are plenty of fish in the sea?”
In any event, when I came across a recent article asking for such advice, I saw my chance to shine and play out an old dream of mine. So here it is, my audition to be an advice columnist. Newspapers, prepare to be amazed. I will post the question below. If you care to read the original article from the Huffington Post, you can click on that here, but bear in mind clicking on it will take you away from my article and that would not be groovy! I would also like to point out that I am not taking article length into consideration, and that is something our good friends in the Media World do have to take into account. So here we go:
I went on two dates with a girl, both of which were really fun, so I asked her out again. And out of the blue, I get a text message from her declining, saying that she appreciates the offer but is “feeling we’re not really compatible for the long term.” WTF? Of course, I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want me, but my confidence has been shaken. It’s now making me wonder about this other girl I have been on four dates with. I’m just afraid of being blindsided again. – WTF Freddie
Dear WTF Freddie,
First of all, let me say welcome to the wide world of dating! I apologize for not having my people meet you at the door. Your welcome basket of wine, ice cream, tissues, and sappy movies is in the mail. Not included: strong will. You have to find that yourself.
Basically, dating is one of those things that’s fun until it isn’t, and sucks until it doesn’t—especially if you’re looking for “the one” which it seems you are rather than just a temporary fling. Think of it this way: any relationship you’re in is going to end….unless it’s the girl you marry. That being said, relationships end for a myriad of reasons, and some of them do not make any sense, especially if you’re the one being “blindsided.”
I do have to agree with Terri. Two dates does not equal a blindside. She gives a perfect example, but let me add a couple just for “fun.”
- Girl says “Yes, I’ll go out with you” and then cancels on you before the date even happens (You didn’t even have time to screw it up!)
- Someone you’ve known for years and trusted uncharacteristically stands you up, and then wonders why you were worried something happened to them
- Girl says “If it weren’t for my boyfriend, I could see myself being with you.” Then when said boyfriend is out of the picture, she’s still not interested (though that’s not really a blindside, just aggravating beyond belief!)
My sister would say I need to get out of the “Bitter Barn” and “Play in the Hay” but my point is this: dating is one of those things that sucks until it doesn’t, until you find “The One” and even then blindsides still happen, unfortunately, and then they hurt even more. Those sappy movies do a great job of making you believe in love, but they rarely show you how murky and painful the trail really can be. And though I’ve shown only examples of getting blindsided by women, guys are just as good as dishing it out too. Smart, sweet girls get hurt all the time and they don’t understand why.
The problem, I feel, is a lack of closure. If she ended it because you had B.O. or because she was captured by wolves, or if she was only compatible with you for a brief moment in time because she suffered from Benjamin Button Disease, at least you have something to work on for next time (though aside from B.O., I’m not sure how you can fix the other two). Closure is just one of the luxuries dating does not give you most of the time, and you can spend forever trying to find it, but the best advice comes from my girl, Taylor Swift—Shake It Off!
But if closure is what you need, here’s my two cents. Perhaps Miss Blindside was happy with you. Perhaps she really enjoyed your company and could see herself spending her life with you. But maybe she was too critical, maybe too picky. Maybe she was looking for something completely perfect, something that may not exist but she doesn’t know that yet, in which case, there was nothing you could have done to save it. As a great up-and-coming novelist wrote in his (yet to be published) book, “I believe there’s more than one right person out there for everyone. But the degree to which you are happy suffers if it’s not the perfect person.” Perhaps she was just looking for a different degree, and you have to respect that—at least she was mature enough to let you go now rather than leading you on, which would be more painful later.
Love is a battlefield. When we fall, we pick ourselves back up and keep going because we believe in love and we want to succeed. Congratulations on making it to four dates with the next girl—see, progress! Believe it or not, you’ve made it further than others. My last piece of advice to you, Fred: STOP WORRYING! If you’re allowing yourself to wonder what could go wrong, then you’re not staying in the moment with this new girl. Don’t let the haunts of the past hinder your future.
This new chick didn’t dump you, so give her the benefit of the doubt. It may work out, it may not, and who knows, you might be the one that ends up searching for a different degree. But just be yourself and don’t worry. As long as you don’t go psychotic with worry and become “WTF Freddie Krueger,” you’ll do just fine…
Sleeping in the Shower 